Tuesday, May 02, 2006

New Words for 2006

Got sent this in an email so I thought I'd post it here for you all to have a larf. Enjoy...

New words for 2006
  • TESTICULATING
    Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks.
  • BLAMESTORMING
    Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
  • SEAGULL MANAGER
    A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
  • ASSMOSIS
    The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
  • SALMON DAY
    The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
  • SITCOMs
    Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".
  • SINBAD
    Single working girls. Single Income, No Boyfriend And Desperate.
  • PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE
    The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
  • OHNOSECOND
    That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')
  • GOING FOR A McSHIT
    Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.
  • AEROPLANE BLONDE
    One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'
  • AUSSIE KISS
    Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
  • BEER COAT
    The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home at 3am after a booze session.
  • BEER COMPASS
    The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze session, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.
  • BREAKING THE SEAL
    Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
  • GREYHOUND
    A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
  • MILLENNIUM DOMES
    The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.
  • MYSTERY BUS
    The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
  • PICASSO BUM
    A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got four buttocks

14 things to do in Tesco (or other favourite chainstore) while your partner takes their time...

  1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's trolleys when they aren't looking.
  2. Set all the alarm clocks in Houseware to go off at 5 minute intervals
  3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies toilet.
  4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone: 'Code 3 in Houseware'... and see what happens.
  5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on credit.
  6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
  7. Set-up a tent in the Camping Department and tell other shoppers you are sleeping over and invite them in if they bring pillows from the Bedding Department.
  8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask: "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
  9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.
  10. While handling large knives in the Kitchen Dept, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are located.
  11. Wander around the store suspiciously, while loudly humming the theme from Mission Impossible.
  12. Hide in a clothing rack .. . . and when people browse through, say: PICK ME!!! PICK ME!!!"
  13. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, hit the floor and assume the feotal position and scream "NO!...It's those voices again!!!"
  14. And last but not least - Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while... Then yell loudly: "There's no toilet paper in here!"

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

oh stop my aching sides...